He is waiting to be discovered.
By me, or someone or something, but not by himself. I imagine him to be looking out at me from a fortified bunker where all I can see are his two eyes. The rest of him is protected/entombed by the bunker–fully encased in cement.
But his “problem” is that he is a cutter. He has been for years. And this is why his parents bring him to me–to stop the cutting that now consumes them.
I don’t really imagine that his “problem” is his cutting, his self-mutilation. To him, his cutting is his salvation. It is his answer to an experience he has been wrestling with for a long time. He will clutch his salvation at all costs, but there is a price to being saved–to having found the answer to his riddle. Part of the price is that people will try and take his salvation away. Parents, professionals, friends will all become obsessed with wanting him to stop cutting and give up his salvation.
But he doesn’t want me to discover his cutting–this is obvious to both of us, and I know that the matter is not anyway about the cutting. If I focus on the cutting it will only be a distraction leading to a dead-end. He wants me to discover him entombed in his cement bunker, as if the cutting is a sign to look here. I imagine he thinks I have a key to rescue him from his bunker. Some magic power to see beyond the cutting to where he really is. He tells me that I am the only therapist he has seen that didn’t try to get him to stop cutting. He finds this curious and perhaps a bit hopeful.
I meet with his parents. They are very concerned about the cutting and getting him to stop. I try to communicate my perspective that the cutting is not the problem, and that in fact the cutting is their son’s salvation. It is his answer to some other question and he won’t give up his salvation. I explain to the parents that salvation is rarely relinquished voluntarily, instead it is clutched to with all one’s life and vigor. So trying to get their son to stop his cutting will be futile. Of course, I could be wrong about this, but I don’t think I am. It is similar to anorexic patients I have treated. The anorexic’s ability to not eat is their salvation. In spite of the fact that some anorexics will eventually starve themselves to death, they won’t give up their salvation. But everyone else, professionals, friends and family are so horrified and consumed by the wasting away of the patient that they will do anything to get the patient to eat, usually with no success. The patient continues to waste away.
I see/sense that the parents are dismayed by my approach. They want me to stop the cutting–that’s all. I have failed to connect with them in a way that would allow them to see past the cutting. The cutting consumes them to the point that they no longer see their son–only his scarred and mutilated arms.
I will not have much time with him. His parents will hospitalize him in a facility that they think will be able to stop the cutting. Someplace that will allow them to stop being consumed.
Cutters, anorexics, alcoholics all seem to have found their salvation–their answer. The problem for them is that their answer horrifies everyone around them. Everyone wants them to stop and let go of their salvation. Everyone around them can only see the destruction wrought by their salvation, not what else is there.
When I treat patients like these, patients who have found their salvation, I try to be careful to not become like everyone else in their life. I try not to want them to relinquish their salvation. At times this is difficult at best. I experience pressure from parents, friends and other professionals to “save” the patient from themselves. At times I will wonder if I am mistaken in my perspective and perhaps they are right. I should be trying to “save” the patient and stop trying to discover what I imagine they want me to. But in the end I know I cannot “save” anyone from themselves. I am no match for “salvation”.
So what do I think this “salvation” is all about? What do I imagine that the cutter, the anorexic and the alcoholic are waiting and wanting me to discover? At times I think is has to do with wanting. What do I do with my wants? It appears that these patients have managed to erase all their wants. Their wants have been replaced by their “salvation”. They have no wants. In fact, the only people that want in these dramas are their family, friends and professionals. They do the wanting so the patient doesn’t have to. Which I why I try my best to not “want” anything from these patients. This of course drives the family crazy because they not only want me to “save” the patient, they also want me to “save” them from wanting and being consumed by the patient’s salvation.
I frequently find that what these patients have been waiting for me to discover is their secret wants. Those enormous hungers and longing that they have buried and locked away in some cement bunker. Those unfulfilled, unfulfillable desires that can’t be put into words or thought about.
Perhaps if I discover this, then the patient may have the opportunity to discover that secret wants may be resolved without resorting to salvation. There is always a price for “salvation”.
I often think of the cutter and wonder if he is still waiting to be discovered. We didn’t have enough time to achieve this.
Dr. Brody