When I was younger and people or patients would ask me why I became a therapist I used to say flippantly that my first A in a college course was in Psychology.
Today I don’t believe that that was the truth, but it was a convenient way to hide from what was seeking me out. I just was mistaken in thinking I was seeking it out.
To be a therapist for as long as I have been one one must have been called to it, or one is just going through the motions. That’s not to say that there are not times I am going through the motions–playing doctor so to speak, but this is usually when I am tired or disturbed by something that is occuring. When I have reached the limit of my ability to be open to what the experience in the consulting room is.
A patient recently asked me for my definition of therapy. I replied something like, “Two people sitting in a room”. It is what the two people make out of that time and space that I believe is the core of therapy.
As for the calling, I don’t beleive it can be known. Oh I can look at my resume and life and see paths and directions I took, apparently seeking something. But it wasn’t until I stopped searching and looking that something found me.
I can’t really describe it in words, but here are some recent examples from the consulting room that perhaps catches a glimpse of what I am attempting to put into words.
It is her first appointment and she starts with commenting on how “serious” I am. I attempt to investigate what she means, but it goes nowhere. Towards the end of the session she describes that her marriage, which is in trouble, was based “on fun” only. I comment that “there was no room for seriouness”. She agrees and regrets it.
He has suffered a terrible loss some years ago, and is still haunted by it. He can’t shake it. It possesses him and torments him. He keeps repeating the phrase “One more day. What I would have given for one more day with him”. I feel the enormity of his sadness and grief. The session ends and I am cleaning up the office to go home. I am in the bathroom cleaning my coffeemaker, but I am still feeling the phrase “One more day”. Tears begin to form, and I feel like crying.
Dr. Brody